Lightning

I love the way the lightning lights up the sky & I love the way that you light up my life.

So just kiss me in the rain.

Just to clear the air…

This blog is called ‘This is for me.’ for a reason. I write the blog so that I can go back and look at where I was at a certain point in my life, what I had to say, how I felt. I do not write this blog for the likes of others. However, I am aware that this blog is public on the world wide web, and therefore, the public is open to reading it. Try not to apply personal feelings to my blogs because of past events. 

Anonymous asked: How is it that you can act so pompous... like your gods gift to men.... your post sounds as if it would be a huge mercy of yours to bestow the honor on any man to date you. get off your high horse, your cocky and have no reason to be. i pray college will do wonders and finally knock some sense into you.

Why bother being anonymous ahah, but I don’t feel at all that my post was cocky or pompous in anyway. I feel like it was honest and at no point did I sound as if anyone should feel honored to date me. I simply said I do not go around searching for a man and that I do not feel as if I need to be dependent on a man and because I have never been dependent on a man, I have had the time to understand myself.

Religion

I myself have been confirmed as a Protestant Christian however one of the most important things to me is not forcing a belief on anyone. If you have a strong faith or belief in a specific religion, good for you, but do not use cult-like youth groups to suck people in to such a belief system. I believe that having faith does not necessarily have to mean a faith in a God of any sort but faith in yourself and faith in the Universe. Faith can be one of the greatest strengths any person has and faith in itself is empowering. 

I believe that the Universe listens and speaks and it is up to you to realize what it is saying.

Views on Drugs & Alcohol

Be smart. 

That’s what I’ve got. 

I don’t have any right telling you or anyone else what to do but if you feel like you are mature enough to partake in drugs and alcohol, then make sure you are mature enough to make smart decisions about it. 

Personally, I do not do drugs. Not only do I feel no need to do it but I know that if you are 21 and you are doing drugs, it’s illegal in Massachusetts but if you are 21 and want to enjoy a cold beer, that is completely legal. I know that people have their preferences and I have gone through enough with people doing drugs, I know that if they want to do it, they will no matter what you say about it. People just have to be smart and make the decisions they believe are best for them.

My Current Relationship Status

I am going to get back on the horse and start writing on here again, I love having this online journal to talk about things.

My current relationship status is single and it has been that way for about the last 5 years. That is not to say I haven’t been talking to people along the way, but my official status has been and remains to be single.

Sometimes I hate being the single one, since I always am. But a few months ago I realized that because I have spend SO much time as my own person, I understand myself and my goals and who I want to be and who I am more than anything. I know that having all this time to focus on myself has taught me a lot and has definitely been good for me. The thing about always being the single one is you always have to share your friends and you always feel as if you have to explain yourself. People in my family do not understand that I am simply not interested in searching for a guy and searching for a date. I feel like searching for it only lands you in the lap of failure. I feel like anyone who is looking for a guy feels pressured and I just don’t need that kind of stress. As of now I plan on remaining single as I am entering college soon however if something were to happen from now until then I have an open mind regarding the situation. Saying that I admit the probability of that happening is slim as it has yet to happen in the last 5 years ;)

Get Up and Dance.

The thing I miss the most is Get up and Dance..well, what it used to be like circa 2006-2008. The entire team loved each other. We all got along. We danced together 3-4 days of the week for long periods of time, had the same breaks, we spent so much time together. We were one big happy family. We all traveled together to the Celtics to perform, we all hung out at competition we even went to Disney together to perform. I would have to say these were some of the best years of my life. I loved Get up and Dance. I loved all the girls all the teachers; Danielle, Sam, and Rachel. I am lucky enough to have stayed in contact with Sam and dancing with her at her own studio now, which is the best thing that could have happened after the downfall of the studio and I am so content with where I am now.

Our Last Celtics Performance: http://youtu.be/AMcN7KA8CmM

Ramalama: http://youtu.be/GfvkUAP1lvQ

Fuego: http://youtu.be/-orR89Pn988

Somewhere Over the Rainbow: http://youtu.be/xhup2zXKVcA

The lake.

Lake Winnipesaukee is my favorite place. It is the most relaxing. I love that my grandparents live right on the water, you can just go out and swim in the lake or go on the paddle boat. I love that they live so close to the boardwalk you can just walk down there and go to the arcade or get fried dough or cheap tshirts and sunglasses. Ugh, my favorite things.

I love waking up with the window open and hearing the sound of the lake. I love that while I’m there I have no stress, no expectations. And it’s just so pretty. 

Did I mention I love the M/S Mt. Washington and the bartender? ;) He’s my grampy, haha. And I love Roy Rogers and Shirley Temples and Pina Coladas and dancing. I love it all. 

Did you know just writing this made me want to go take bartending classes so bad? Great. Thanks. ;) If only I had the $300 to do it.

Fears.

I would have to say that along with failure, the failure of a relationship would have to be one of my greatest fears. -Divorce-

I know that sounds totally insane but here’s the deal…My goal is to grow up and have a big, happy, very close family. I feel like so many of the world’s problems could be fixed if everyone had this strong sense of family and being united and I feel that with the popularity of divorce today, the idea of this super strong and close family has been somewhat lost. 

I want my family to be happy together. I want to have a lifelong partner that will love me unconditionally and to have kids that I can love unconditionally. I suppose divorce really isn’t the issue but having kids and being divorced. I would find it so difficult to miss out on certain memories and give up some of my time with my child to share with their father. To me, family means so much. I want to have this friendship with my kids that I actually like spending time with them and getting to know them, I want to have that connection and that bond forever and I guess that is where my fear of divorce comes in. Being a single parent that connection and that bond has a small fray along the line and it’s a lot more difficult to share all the happiness and all the experiences that you would as this true family unit that unfortunately has become so rare.

The “New Kid”

I am supposed to write about a “first”. 

I think I am going to write about my first day of school in Hardwick while I still remember it. I was in 4th grade my first year in Hardwick which means I never got to experience “the lower wing” and as far as I understood, this was a good thing…being in the “intermediate wing” meant you were finally a “big kid”. The first thing I remember was walking in, finding the seat with my name on it…and not knowing how to get into my desk. In my old school, the desks had open fronts and everything just slid inside…these desks had open tops and I had no idea how to use the thing for at least 2 minutes. I remember seeing this girl, Siena, and knowing right away that I wanted to be friends with her. She was so sweet and so nice and she was the first person I knew I wanted to be friends with (and just so you know, we became friends and stayed good friends up through middle school until she went to boarding school). I remember there weren’t enough desks for me in math class, my first class of the day and I had to sit in the back of the room with this girl with short hair, she ran her fingers through it like a boy, it was the weirdest thing. Then I remember break time. I have always been and still am the kind of person who likes to know what the want and how to get it before the time comes..I don’t like to be put on the spot and not know what I am doing. Even now when I went to Moe’s for the first time I looked up the menu and figured out how to order before actually going, it’s just a thing…Anyway, at break kids go down and get a snack in the lunch room. I was so nervous I remember asking questions the whole way down and asking if this is how you order lunch to and where do we sit, trying to figure out the whole thing. Although being the new kid wasn’t as bad as I ever expected it to be, it was a really weird experience. 

As the new kid you are kind of labeled as just that, the “new kid” and you are grouped with the other “new kids”. The guidance counselor brought all the “new kids” together and we ate lunch together, all of us from different grades, which was kind of a big things in elementary school. Looking back, I don’t think this “new kid lunch” was such a great idea. We got so separated. Just as I was trying to make these new friends and get comfortable and figure out the normalcy of this new school, I was separated and brought into a room with other “new kids”. What a weird concept…’I want them to feel involved and comfortable, so let’s take them away from the environment I want them comfortable in’. I don’t know, just something I would have changed.

I will admit I hated moving. I loved my new house…that was the best part. But I was SO dramatic. I cried all night my last night in the old condo. I literally said things as a 3rd grader like “I am closing this door and we’re never coming back!”. As dramatic as that sounds, to me it was true…all of these really close friends I had made back in Oxford were going to be left behind. Leaving the condo, the friends, the school, the crushes, all were so difficult but luckily we moved here where I have made the best of friends and finally feel truly “at home”. 

What makes me cry?

Failure.

I am one who strives so much to succeed and to succeed independently that I absolutely overload myself. It is so unfortunate but I have such high expectations for myself and for my future that when things don’t go as planned, I get upset. It is difficult to stand myself when I have to ask for help all the time, or I can’t figure things out on my own.

I take pride in independence and my success in figuring things out on my own. Although often times I get insecure, and embarrassed, or shy about things, I really get great happiness over even small accomplishments.

Just the other day I changed my headlight all by myself for the second time. It is just something as simple as that, that can make me happy and make my day that much better.

What makes me feel better?

Whenever I am stressed or upset there are 4 key things that usually make me feel better.

• The first, of course, is dance. When I go to dance I feel like I just don’t think about anything outside of class. I don’t think about that guy or that homework or that project or anything like that, literally I am only thinking about what my teacher is saying. I think about choreographer I think about emotion and how to release it I think about the steps I think about all the little things dancers think about. Not only is dancing such an amazing release of built up emotion but it keeps my mind off of the negative things I may be experiencing. The one year I took off from dance was most definitely my most emotional year, I felt like things were so bottled up and I was not as happy as I am when I have dance.
• The second thing that helps me feel better is singing and playing my guitar. This is one of the weirdest things that makes me feel better. I would not by any means tell people that I am this amazing musician or amazing singer, but I do love to just strum my guitar and sing out lyrics that mean a lot to me, or to someone. I am a person who loves words and I feel like for someone else to release so much emotion and put so much effort into a song is so amazing and so when I play it, it is another way for me to release my emotion through the emotion portrayed in the lyrics of a song.
• The third thing that I do to make myself less stressed or feel better is go for a drive. I love to be in my car, with the music blasting, screaming the words as loud as I can, especially when I am frustrated or angry. When I have something bottled up inside, screaming out lyrics and shutting out the sounds of the word or my phone buzzing, and blasting the music makes me feel just so much better. 
• The forth things that makes me feel better, is to me the most standard. Sometimes, all I need is a nap. I do have to say that it totally depends on what I am upset about whether or not sleep will really help and often times I feel as if sleep is just a way to bottle up more and ignore real issues, I am one to favor a true release. Sometimes, when stress just becomes way too much and there are just loads of events that are hard to handle, a little nap can go a long way.